Something else

Thought I'd write about something completely else.

Today my son (he's turning 7 in just a few weeks now) had his weekly Qur'an lesson. It's a wonderful thing because, here my son is - in a Stockholmian suburb in Sweden, being half swedish-half palestinian learning Qur'an from his bengali Imam (who is the son of a great and well-known Imam from Bangladesh). What a wonderful multicultural ummah, mashaAllah.

They speak arabic together and as I was eavesdropping (well, actually couldn't avoid it - small apartment) from my room I heard Ibrahim laughing and making (polite) jokes with his teacher.

That made my heart smile today.

Don't worry...

We are not going back to Gaza.

And these are the words that build a fence between me and my husband.

There has been so many warm and good advices in The Comments that I don't know where to start. Let me say this... I'm not spilling it all. Out of respect for my religion and my husband. As a good sister pointed out it would of course be recommended to keep it within the family. As for my husband... well, I could only imagine if he had his own blog and wrote personal stuff about me. My God! However, after some serious consideration I decided this is what I needed to do. My personal thereapy.

Yes, men are men, aren't they? And a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do. This is another thing I would like to point out, that it's not ONLY the Gaza vs. Stockholm issue going on. Seemes that my sisters in here married from other palestinians know very well what I'm talking about.

I'm sure Laila is fainting by now saying "there she goes again - it's all complaints, complaints, complaints!!" (it's a joke, Laila habibti). And it may be true. There is of course another side to this story (which would be on my husband's - so far - imaginary blog) and that is HIS SIDE. So let me say that I am surely no piece of cake. Even though I have some serious complaints on him, he surely have some on me. And as we blog along the picture should be more clear.

Ok, getting specific...

At least a little bit. Today I spoke to a dear friend of mine. She said "ok, what's the problem?". I said "Well, first there's that... he is a man". Any mother in here (including myself) please teach your sons to... well... speak. Not to generalize. At all.

Yes, it's that. He wants to return and I don't. Then there's some other more or less common issues. When it goes on too long you start to loose hope. When you have children though you almost never loose hope. However, I'm not ready to give up just yet. I just don'y know how to continue.

At least it seemes I got my blog-drive back.

Yeah well...

... I'm really wondering if I really wanna be out there with all my personal stuff. Complaining about my miserable life in Gaza was one thing. Now it's the real world for me.

An anon left a comment saying enough with the "more coming soon-crap". Yeah well, I couldn't agree more and that cick in the butt got me writing these lines at least. Seriously though, I really don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't have "fancy" political stuff to write about or any other academic skills to debate with likewise educated others. I just have my life. And I'm not sure I wanna be out there with my photo and all, even my name, my location.

I'm thinking to go "under cover". Put up a niqabi photo and change my "name" to "european muslimah" or something like that. I don't know if it would do any good though. I, for one, would still know. And God knows who else.

Here's the deal. I'm going through hell. I have not wanted to write those words partly because of what I just wrote above, but mostly because it seemes a bit westernly (I know, I keep making up these strange words) spoiled. I'm here in fabulous Stockholm enjoying summer coming and my ex life in Gaza is actually the real hell. As for MY reality, it is true though.

I'm in between worlds in so many ways. Our life is still between Gaza and Stockholm. We have not yet been able to adjust to anything. For me it's the beginning of a new life and for my husband it's the end of a life long dream.

I'm also between truth and truth with some cotton around it (to some know as lies, I think?). I stopped here for some minutes... It is scary. Too cliché. Too hurtfull. And as I don't know how to procede with my life I also don't know how to procede with this blog of mine.

Today's truth: my marriage ain't great.

NOTE TO SELF: Grow up!

Sign of life...

Spring has finally arrived. And I know (bad bad blogger!), I should have written long time ago. I just make everything all complicated and tell myself that it have to be perfect. And I know, I'm gonna stop that.

Here is just some lines to let you know that my blog is still alive. More to come. Until then, some new photos...