Yeah well...
... I'm really wondering if I really wanna be out there with all my personal stuff. Complaining about my miserable life in Gaza was one thing. Now it's the real world for me.
An anon left a comment saying enough with the "more coming soon-crap". Yeah well, I couldn't agree more and that cick in the butt got me writing these lines at least. Seriously though, I really don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't have "fancy" political stuff to write about or any other academic skills to debate with likewise educated others. I just have my life. And I'm not sure I wanna be out there with my photo and all, even my name, my location.
I'm thinking to go "under cover". Put up a niqabi photo and change my "name" to "european muslimah" or something like that. I don't know if it would do any good though. I, for one, would still know. And God knows who else.
Here's the deal. I'm going through hell. I have not wanted to write those words partly because of what I just wrote above, but mostly because it seemes a bit westernly (I know, I keep making up these strange words) spoiled. I'm here in fabulous Stockholm enjoying summer coming and my ex life in Gaza is actually the real hell. As for MY reality, it is true though.
I'm in between worlds in so many ways. Our life is still between Gaza and Stockholm. We have not yet been able to adjust to anything. For me it's the beginning of a new life and for my husband it's the end of a life long dream.
I'm also between truth and truth with some cotton around it (to some know as lies, I think?). I stopped here for some minutes... It is scary. Too cliché. Too hurtfull. And as I don't know how to procede with my life I also don't know how to procede with this blog of mine.
Today's truth: my marriage ain't great.
NOTE TO SELF: Grow up!
An anon left a comment saying enough with the "more coming soon-crap". Yeah well, I couldn't agree more and that cick in the butt got me writing these lines at least. Seriously though, I really don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't have "fancy" political stuff to write about or any other academic skills to debate with likewise educated others. I just have my life. And I'm not sure I wanna be out there with my photo and all, even my name, my location.
I'm thinking to go "under cover". Put up a niqabi photo and change my "name" to "european muslimah" or something like that. I don't know if it would do any good though. I, for one, would still know. And God knows who else.
Here's the deal. I'm going through hell. I have not wanted to write those words partly because of what I just wrote above, but mostly because it seemes a bit westernly (I know, I keep making up these strange words) spoiled. I'm here in fabulous Stockholm enjoying summer coming and my ex life in Gaza is actually the real hell. As for MY reality, it is true though.
I'm in between worlds in so many ways. Our life is still between Gaza and Stockholm. We have not yet been able to adjust to anything. For me it's the beginning of a new life and for my husband it's the end of a life long dream.
I'm also between truth and truth with some cotton around it (to some know as lies, I think?). I stopped here for some minutes... It is scary. Too cliché. Too hurtfull. And as I don't know how to procede with my life I also don't know how to procede with this blog of mine.
Today's truth: my marriage ain't great.
NOTE TO SELF: Grow up!
posted by Imaan On Ice at 9:40 PM
6 Comments:
Hmmmmm. You are one brave and honest woman - and that's a big part of the reason that I love reading your blog so much.
I've no first-hand experience of marriage, but I have spent many hours listening to my married friends complain - er, talk ;) - about their own. I think that some marriages just go through prolonged difficult periods. But mostly they seem to recover - with a lot of hard work from both partners.
I hope very much that this is the case for you. But if it isn't, then I'm sure that your readers, certainly this one, will offer unconditional and unjudgmental support.
I can empathise with what you're going through. I don't know if that helps. Your spirit is still coming across as positive and mischievous. And you did post this post instead of leaving it... or zapping it.
Maybe the issue is less about growing up, then about growing, which is really hard ... especially in relationships where you may not be growing in the same direction or at the same rate.
I hope you don't let wooden brainers who write comments about "enough with the coming soon crap" get to you. Bloggers aren't slot machines... and your posts are always worth waiting for.
I think I know how you feel Imaan, my husband and I are from two different countries too. He wants so badly to move back "home" and I just want to literaly puke at the thought of living where he is from. Not to say that where we live now in the New York area is a beautiful place because it ain't at all but I like living in America it's selfish of course because I'm asking him to do what I myself am to weak to even attempt. At least you were brave enough to give living in Gaza a shot how ever quick it was. I often think to myself what did I get myself into? I do love my husband, but sometimes these issues are extremely trying, and thats the case when you try to connect two different worlds and both parties prefer their own. I am also a convert to Islam, and although I made that decision on my own that to has been a tough and trying road for me. Oh and of course I've been called "westernly spoiled" many of times as well, but you know what I don't have to apologize for being from a society that has organization, or an "easier" way of life I am who I am supposed to be and I was born where Allah willed just like every other human being. Hang in there Imaan, your not alone.
Thank you guys...
What is it exactly thats preventing you from ajusting yourself to your environment? Is it that you do not want to return to Gaza and your husband does? I can't imagine having to leave the civilized world and bringing my children to the chaotic mess of Gaza. I don't mean to sound offending, although it does seem that way but when it comes to raising children we must rise above our own desires and look towards the better reality for their sake if not for anything else. Its extremely tough when you don't see eye to eye with your husband and there are children involved...I have been there before and I know that I will be there again...similar to your situation. I don't even want to think about.
Everyone above has great points. I've been where you are too and it is incredibly tough (and my husband and I got through it). Just hang in there - and you are grown up, you wouldn't be so worried if you weren't.
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