CLOSED...

Eid Mubarak...

2006-10-28T18:53:00.000+02:00

Just a little greeting from me and my children to all my friends... Eid mubarak! This is us at our relatives house *with arabic taste*. God bless!

Closing up

2006-08-20T13:49:00.000+02:00

After all my unkept promises I have finally decided to stop blogging here. There are a million reasons. I have truly loved sharing my thoughts with you all and I have learned a lot from you readers.

I would like to say, like a classic break-up line, "it's not you, it's me!".

My priorities are elsewhere. I am very much offended by the unpleasant comments (turning on comments moderation only helps your eyes, not mine - I still have to read it all to approve or not approve). I have concernes about whether or not to "be out there". I have philosophical concernes about how to write about the truth without hurting anyone. I've come to the conclusion that I can't and then there is really no point. I also sort of lost my purpose. I've said this before, living in Gaza I had stories served on a plate, being back in my ordinary life and describing that is much more difficult. I lost my focus. I am so busy with other things in my life that I have no time for hobbies at the moment. And there is a war. That's reason enough for anyone to feel depressed.

It is simply not fun anymore.

A great big THANK YOU to each and everyone that has read my blog(s). You have lighted up my life.

This time I am moving on for good without any links. One day I surely will be back but you might not know. I wish you all the best and most importantly - KEEP BLOGGING!

UPDATE: THANKS FOR ALL THE WELL-WISHES. THOUGHT I AT LEAST COULD END THINGS MORE NICELY WITH SOME OF MY SUMMER PHOTOS... (at least one promise kept) BYE!

Under construction

2006-07-20T19:10:00.000+02:00

Only loyal and patient readers are still with me. And the loyal and patient readers will know that my blogging has been somewhat troublesome for me during the last months... So, this is a new beginning. I will surely be the same Imaan, but my blog needed a little "pick-me-up" and some comment moderation. Why let crazies kill the blogospirit?

I don't think anyone is troublefree when the world is as it is in these days. However my skills are not within politics, so it is not that easy or meaningful to express my thoughts on whats going on. But surely I HAVE opinions.

Holliday

2006-06-20T07:09:00.000+02:00

Off I go. Joining my kids at our family's summer house.

And guess what, they don't even have a phone in their house.

I must be doing something wrong

2006-06-16T11:57:00.000+02:00

I have always had a passion for writing (and reading for that matter). Blogs have opened a new world to me. I just don't know where to start. COME ON - other bloggers! Please tell me you share or at least recognize some of my difficulties?!

I mean, how honest can a person really be? REALLY be? Everyone say (including myself) that the blog-world is a wonderful thing, but the blogs I read, however well written and really good they are, are almost always impersonal. They are usually about others (about who was killed, who won the election, about a journalist who said..., about a man who did whatever) and seldom about the person him- or herself. Unless of course the blogger is an anon.

Sure you are free to blog about whatever you like, and maybe I have just not reached the world of personal blogs. Or is it that it is really not that interesting to know that for example Imaan endured endless arguments with her husband in the spring of 2006? Or are we just too shy, too private? Don't we dare?

Or is it just too trivial? There are so many things that happen to me, that I see or hear or experience, that might seem important to me in the moment but when it comes to writing it down I get suspicious. Would "the world" really benefit from reading my perhaps silly little stories (and I'm honestly not just saying that so my "friends" in here have to compliment me). And I wonder, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Aaaah, the human mind....

In my head it goes like: What's the point of blogging if it is not telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Then it goes: Yeah, but... truth or dare? Do I (and do you?) really dare to tell the truth or do we prefer to describe the truths of others? As we see it? And is that even The Truth? And finally: Is the truth really what we want? Isn't almost everyone of us trying to escape the truth (like when people ask you "Hi, how are you?" we answer "Fine, thank you" however shitty we may feel). Is it like in the Cruise/Nicholson-movie when Tom Criuse's character say "I want the truth!" and Nicholson's character answers "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!"?

Well, people, I dare ya. MY TOP TEN LIST OF SILLY LITTLE STORIES:

1. Summer finally came. It is hot!

2. My Maryam just turned 3. There were also 3 parties helded for her, one in my grand-mother's house, one in my mother's house and finally one with her own friends in my house! Happy birthday Maryoma habibti.

3. I just read the da Vinci Code. My God! Go take a good look at your nearest Mona Lisa copy.

4. I had a visit from the wonderful world. My cousin (almost little sister) who is a lawyer (det står så i ordboken, E!) came for a visit to my suburbian working-class "hell". I suddenly felt (not suddenly, I have always felt it, but it just suddenly surfaced again) LOST.

5. Speaking of classes... Isn't it getting worse or am I just waking up? Speaking of suburbian hell... Do I hate it or love it? I'm not sure. Muslims in minority (or any other group in minority) will recognize this: Do I want to live in a suburb with many muslim neighbours or in a "nice" area with no muslim neighbours? Well, let's not get into that just now.

6. I had a visit from the wonderful world 2. My father came and as we were walking through my area we agreed that somehow there would not be weeds in the flower beds in a "nice" area, but somehow the flower beds in my suburbian working-class "hell" is full of weeds. Aren't we all paying rent?

7. My father took all the children with him for some days. I repeat: ALL the children. I AM FREE!! I'm about to join them soon for my own "vacation". My grand-parents has a house on the west coast, so photos from the wonderful swedish summer are coming up.

8. Yesterday: Sweden won 1-0 againts Paraguay (in fotball people). I usually love to watch fotball games (if Sweden is involved) but yesterday I couldn't resist the other channel showing the brilliant Fahrenheit 9/11 by brilliant Michael Moore. The way I found out though that there was a GOAL was hearing my neighbours loud shouts of "YEEEEEES!!!" through my open balcony door.

9. I just found a new Gazan blog.

10. It is almost on the day exactly ONE YEAR AGO since I entered Gaza.

Now the best part is that... after "coming out" about my marriage problems, things have actually gone from worse to better. Yes. I belive that no marriage is perfect. At some point(s) there have to be some compromises done, what ever the details for each marriage would be. I have been married 8 years now (our anniversary come up within a few weeks just) ALHAMDULILLAH and there has been some difficult times. To sum things up I was starting to feel hopeless because my husband didn't seem to hear me. I was speaking to a wall. May it be the Gazan gene or the male gene, I don't know.

I'm not yet sure what has happened. I'm not naive. There has been no over-night extreme make-over changes, but somehow somewhere he seem to get it (and I have also done some re-thinking). It's not perfect - but it is better.

Something else

2006-05-31T20:21:00.000+02:00

Thought I'd write about something completely else.

Today my son (he's turning 7 in just a few weeks now) had his weekly Qur'an lesson. It's a wonderful thing because, here my son is - in a Stockholmian suburb in Sweden, being half swedish-half palestinian learning Qur'an from his bengali Imam (who is the son of a great and well-known Imam from Bangladesh). What a wonderful multicultural ummah, mashaAllah.

They speak arabic together and as I was eavesdropping (well, actually couldn't avoid it - small apartment) from my room I heard Ibrahim laughing and making (polite) jokes with his teacher.

That made my heart smile today.

Don't worry...

2006-05-29T21:35:00.000+02:00

We are not going back to Gaza.

And these are the words that build a fence between me and my husband.

There has been so many warm and good advices in The Comments that I don't know where to start. Let me say this... I'm not spilling it all. Out of respect for my religion and my husband. As a good sister pointed out it would of course be recommended to keep it within the family. As for my husband... well, I could only imagine if he had his own blog and wrote personal stuff about me. My God! However, after some serious consideration I decided this is what I needed to do. My personal thereapy.

Yes, men are men, aren't they? And a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do. This is another thing I would like to point out, that it's not ONLY the Gaza vs. Stockholm issue going on. Seemes that my sisters in here married from other palestinians know very well what I'm talking about.

I'm sure Laila is fainting by now saying "there she goes again - it's all complaints, complaints, complaints!!" (it's a joke, Laila habibti). And it may be true. There is of course another side to this story (which would be on my husband's - so far - imaginary blog) and that is HIS SIDE. So let me say that I am surely no piece of cake. Even though I have some serious complaints on him, he surely have some on me. And as we blog along the picture should be more clear.

Ok, getting specific...

2006-05-23T22:39:00.000+02:00

At least a little bit. Today I spoke to a dear friend of mine. She said "ok, what's the problem?". I said "Well, first there's that... he is a man". Any mother in here (including myself) please teach your sons to... well... speak. Not to generalize. At all.

Yes, it's that. He wants to return and I don't. Then there's some other more or less common issues. When it goes on too long you start to loose hope. When you have children though you almost never loose hope. However, I'm not ready to give up just yet. I just don'y know how to continue.

At least it seemes I got my blog-drive back.

Yeah well...

2006-05-21T21:40:00.000+02:00

... I'm really wondering if I really wanna be out there with all my personal stuff. Complaining about my miserable life in Gaza was one thing. Now it's the real world for me.

An anon left a comment saying enough with the "more coming soon-crap". Yeah well, I couldn't agree more and that cick in the butt got me writing these lines at least. Seriously though, I really don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't have "fancy" political stuff to write about or any other academic skills to debate with likewise educated others. I just have my life. And I'm not sure I wanna be out there with my photo and all, even my name, my location.

I'm thinking to go "under cover". Put up a niqabi photo and change my "name" to "european muslimah" or something like that. I don't know if it would do any good though. I, for one, would still know. And God knows who else.

Here's the deal. I'm going through hell. I have not wanted to write those words partly because of what I just wrote above, but mostly because it seemes a bit westernly (I know, I keep making up these strange words) spoiled. I'm here in fabulous Stockholm enjoying summer coming and my ex life in Gaza is actually the real hell. As for MY reality, it is true though.

I'm in between worlds in so many ways. Our life is still between Gaza and Stockholm. We have not yet been able to adjust to anything. For me it's the beginning of a new life and for my husband it's the end of a life long dream.

I'm also between truth and truth with some cotton around it (to some know as lies, I think?). I stopped here for some minutes... It is scary. Too cliché. Too hurtfull. And as I don't know how to procede with my life I also don't know how to procede with this blog of mine.

Today's truth: my marriage ain't great.

NOTE TO SELF: Grow up!

Sign of life...

2006-05-09T18:22:00.000+02:00

Spring has finally arrived. And I know (bad bad blogger!), I should have written long time ago. I just make everything all complicated and tell myself that it have to be perfect. And I know, I'm gonna stop that.

Here is just some lines to let you know that my blog is still alive. More to come. Until then, some new photos...

What HAVE been...

2006-04-15T16:18:00.000+02:00

Fajer in Stockholm
My livingroom
My husband with Maryam and Amal
Maryam
Me in a shoppingcentra
Amal on her 4th birthday
Inside the (islamic) kindergarten in which I sometimes work extra
"Darling, where did you say you parked the car?"
Swedish coffea and cookies (and some authentic swedish people)
Visiting relatives

Dear readers,

I'm overwhelmed. By all sorts of things. I'm feeling the need to make a list here, people, but I think you're all lucky if I don't (didn't see anyone take home the Pulitzer-price from making lists). I'll try to hide some "first there's that..." and "then there's that..." in a text. Here we go. Let me know if you catch on.

Anyone who followed my blogging can sense I'm having some troubles right now. I guess I just don't know where to start. Or where to stop for that matter. Yes, I am OVERWHELMED. Questions. Critic. Emails. Conversations. Some with others, some with myself. Comments. Insights (they don't necessarily come in that order though). Learning. Seeing. Thinking. Wondering.

One part of it is that we (meaning my family) are all re-grouping after our stay in Gaza. As you might remember we were hoping to stay much longer than we actually did. A good old "It didn't turn out as we had hoped" suits fine here.

I guess anyone who goes out of her ordinary life and does something completely different, and then returns to her "old" life will of course bring new knowledge and wisdom back with her. That's where I'm at right now. Trying do deal with and incorporate that knowledge (and hopefully some wisdom as well) into our life. And it is a new life in many ways. In many ways we are starting all over. And in some ways it's still same old, same old.

Then I'm of course overwhelmed by being a mother of three small ones. All these thoughts that are running through my head has in reality no space. They are overpowered by doing the laundry and cooking the food. There's only so much a mother can do. For her children, herself or even Palestine for that matter. A lot of my thoughts goes to HOW to live this life, now that we are here. How to raise the children.

There are so many things I want to do! But as for now I have to have patience. And it's sometimes driving me crazy. 'Cause I'm running out of it.

I'm trying to get over what have been and focus on the future.

While I wrote this I ate one chocolate cake, went outside to tell off one kid who tried to take the fotball from my son, went outside again to lend a trolley to my friend who was one her way to a bengali weddingparty and her husband said she (my friend, who was wearing an arabic emerati- dress I gave her) looked so beautiful he might just marry her again, prayed Asr, and for those of you who didn't have a good laugh today can imagine me lifting up and actually SHAKING my screen upside down four times because it keeps having "black-outs". Dear God.

While I am preparing (already) for my next post I thought it be great if ya'll could practice on the pronunciation of "Gilla läget!". Here you go: [jilla] [le:gett]. That's the closest I can get without real phonetic letters. What?! Yeah, yeah, you'll understand soon enough.

Oh, and admit you've all missed my photos! Finally a real dose of what is going in my life photo-wise.

Until next time, go blog yourself!

What could have been

2006-04-01T20:05:00.000+02:00

As Gaza is really living up to its description of being battered these days needless to say that my thoughts are with everyone who is suffering - and I am in many ways happy to say - over there.

Being married from a Gazan and me myself having lived there not long ago, Gaza is of course really not that far away. It's actually right here in my living room, in the news or on the internet, but mostly in my mind.

I cannot help but wonder, when I read this...

"Along with the mass kidnappings, an armed force of terrorists attacked the school.We had word early on Tuesday (March 14th) that there might be a problem due to the Israeli capture of the six Palestinian militants from the jail in Jericho, so it was decided that school would be turned out early. We had the kids out for the buses, but two of the buses were late so about half of the kids were still sitting on the edge of the soccer field waiting. I heard shots being fired just as one of the Israeli drones went overhead, so I thought that someone was just shooting at the drone, but then I saw the security at the top of the hill running toward the shots. Then the shots started going overhead and we started to herd the children back to the building. As I ran to the building, I saw someone with his arm around one of the teachers; I mistook him for one of the security forces people until I was about 15 yards from him. He was holding the teacher hostage while the real security was advancing on him. I took the kids that were with me and got behind something for cover.About that time, one of the other teachers started yelling for the kids and I to pull back behind the generator shed about 60 yards or so behind us, so with gunfire still going off, another teacher and I pulled the kids back behind the building. Almost immediately, one of the security guys and one of the Palestinian teachers ran out to us screaming for us (the two western teachers) to come with them to safety. I told them to take Stephen since I would not be automatically picked out as westerner and I was the only one left with the kids. But they came right back after they got him in the building and were ordering me to come with them. When I refused, the older high school boys started yelling at me to get to safety and that they would take care of the younger children. So the security guys and I made the sprint for the building through middle of the fight. Unknown to us, about 10 of the militants had gotten into the building, so we spent the first few minutes hiding in the building, a few teachers with students in rooms spread all over the school, waiting for the security forces to retake the building.When the militants started to leave, they grabbed two of the other teachers (two Australians that they thought were Americans). When two of the Palestinian staff tried to prevent them from leaving with the teachers, the militants shot them. It took about 20 minutes for the security forces to retake the building. During that time, the American Consulate in Jerusalem was on the phone to me every few minutes getting updates. They immediately liaised with the Palestinian Authority to get the four Americans out as soon as possible, but by the time they were ready to go, ALL of the western teachers were ready to be taken out (with all of the foreign embassies getting their people out).We were taken out the back way to avoid the militants who were trying to cut off the route to the Erez Crossing. Even when we got there, things did not calm down. The UN contingent was just behind us and were stopped before they got to the crossing and had to be freed by the security forces. We crossed over to wait on the release of the two kidnapped teachers. As soon as they were through the crossing, the Israelis immediately started to pound the hell out of Gaza."

and this...

"Its 1am. Gaza city is under heavy aerial and sea bombardment, unlike anything the city has seen in recent years. As I write this, F-16 warplanes-not Apaches or tanks-are bombarding Gaza City, where I live, just a few roads away from my house. The entire house is shaking and the windows have cracked. The explosions are so powerful my ears are ringing...they are like sonic booms, but they are real, and they are terrorizing and causing panic. There are several casualities reported by local radio, but other than that we know little else....I'm going to take cover now."

... what could have been? Had I stayed, where would I have been in all of this? You might think that it was an easy choice for me to leave Gaza. Is anything ever easy? In some ways, yes, it was an easy choice. Let's see, safe and clean Stockholm vs bombarded and battered Gaza...

However, leaving Gaza had a price. Breaking my husband's dream of 20 years. Returning to the Ard-ur-Ribat, his precious homeland, his birthplace. It's just like that, what you can't have you want more. Now, the battle for Gaza continues here, in our livingroom. With all the forces FOR living in Gaza (from my husband and his family) I might just very well have stayed. And the thing that is scary with living in a conflict like the one in Gaza is not the fear of dying, it's the fear of what the conflict is gonna do to you while alive.

I only tasted six months. It's almost ridiculous comparing with the people who are born and raised in this conflict. Still these six months has made such an impact on my life that I am not yet able to grasp it completely. I have not yet been able to come to terms with it. I am afraid I'm bothering my poor friends with completly uninteresting details of what happened that time when a took a taxi to Al Jundi or that time when I met that person or that time when... and so on. Or when I found myself sitting 40 minutes in the school-nurse's office, who was supposed to check Ibrahim's vision, speaking about the shellings and my bus-ride through Rafah a hot June day and my encounter with gunmen and the teacher who hit my son... Well, I had to stop myself. Dear God.

As I've stated in earlier posts many palestinians (including my very own) outside Palestine want nothing more than to return, and I respect that. Your country is your country for better or worse. However I belive you make some choices in life that comes with consequenses. For example marrying a stubborn swedish woman.

Our focus right now is living here, in Stockholm, but my husband's dream of Gaza is still PINK, as I like to call it. He see all the bad things happening, yet in the same time he don't. And how can I compete with that?

Writer's block...

2006-03-30T11:09:00.000+02:00

I want to write. I have so many things I want to say. But some things are stopping me.

1) People being so critical
2) Me being so critical

Then of course time. Perfectionism. Laundry.

After having looked out the window for ten minutes I realize being 30 is not easy. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wanna be anything else than just 30 (right now) but everything I do right now, every choice I make right now seemes... well, not "life-changing" but rather... that it is defining what sort of life I'm heading for. I'm at a cross road.

Even with this little silly blogg.

And by the way, did you know that Sweden bought weapons (as a general word) for around 150 million swedish kronas (1 dollar aroud 7-8 kronas, right swedes?) from Israel during 2000-2004?

Did you know the swedish foriegn minister Laila Freivalds resigned?

And at last, what would you do? If you were a christian convert and your parents muslims, and your parents asked to bring your children for Eid celebrations where they would be a part of islamic traditions? Would you let them?

Things I ate during the first week after I just returned from Gaza

2006-03-02T20:09:00.000+01:00

What can I say? Sorry Toot, I'm going all "swedish meatballs" this post. Here's what I ate after missing SWEDISH food for more than six months. You can only have so much of kebab and rice.
Yes, dear friends, this is what they look like, the famous swedish meatballs. Here with potatoes and a must, the lingonberries (för alla svenska läsare, jag har verkligen inte hittat på det ordet - det står verkligen så i Ordboken!).
Oh gosh, swedish chocolate. Mmmmm, Marabou! Really missed that!!
Smoked salmon, here with potatoe salad.
Another must, pancake. Here in the making!
For dessert, gingerbread biscuits.
Pickled herring on crispbread. Mmmm!
Blueberries! These are handpicked by my mother, then frozen so we can eat them with warm milk even during winter.
Let's finish this delicious post with a whole table of delicious food. Pickled herring, turkey, eggs with shrimps, tunaroll, for dessert "Ris a la Malta" (rice cooked with milk and cream) and "Äggost", a sort of cheesecake from egg and cheese.

Hungry yet?!

Truth or Dare - Welcome back!

2006-02-26T18:42:00.000+01:00

Hi, it's me, Imaan - you know me by now from "Living in Gaza City". Well, blogging from Gaza was a piece of cake. You needed just go out and woops - you had a story to tell. Bring your camera along - even better. The unique meeting of a swedish muslim woman and Gaza (not that I'm the ONLY swedish muslim woman to visit Gaza, but I dare say I'm the only one blogging about it) gave me a good start even at the title.

Now I'm back in my own old shoes. How fun can that be? A lot according to me. I have given a lot of thought to the profile of this NEW blog of mine, and it has raised some very interesting questions that I'm hoping to "debate" with you folks here. Well, the question is not so much what is "fun" or not. That is individual and thanks God you need only click and I'm gone. No, the real question is WHAT can I write about? It is of course MY personal choice to write about whatever I please, but then again... is it really?

As I was thinking about what topics to thouch here and especially in WHAT WAY to touch them, I am really hoping to become MORE honest and MORE personal. But it didn't take me long to realize my limits. Can I (meaning do I want) to speak about my personal problems with my mother (who doesn't even know that this blog exist, and gosh - what if she were to find out??! How fair would it be to her to have written about her on the internet for EVERYONE to read?), and do I want to tell you all about me and my husband's arguments (well, I'm sure ya'll want me to spill that one up, but do I? He DO know this blog exist and is one of my faithfull readers - Hi habibi - Would he mind? Would it get too personal?), can I tell you about what me and my close friends spoke about over a cup of tea last friday (relax friends, I wont... or will I? Could I write about it in a way that no one would understand it's them, perhaps not even themselves? Would that be fair?), can I write BAD things about people I meet and didn't like while knowing that they just got my blog's address (would I dare? And if not, how much truth do I provide?).And speaking about truth, how much am I affected from the people at TOOT who said I can only continue to be on Toot if my new blog continues to be arabcentric - and in all honesty I am sooo proud to be on Toot that I'm simply PLANNING to keep the blog REALLY arabcentric. Never mind the truth. Or?

Can I really blog about my life and my thoughts? Can I really tell you what goes on in my deepest inside not knowing if the cashier in my local supermarket might just happen to read my blog?

Well, we'll see, won't we? Some of the things I know for sure (God willing) will come up here are lessons well learned from Gaza, lessons well learned from a Gazan husband, lessons well learned from three half Gazan small kids, mysteries in the snow, things that seem strange to a person upon returning to Sweden after just living six month in Gaza. Almost NO political stuff, almost always an honest view on things that happen to little me. And sure some blogo-thearapy as we go along.

Even after six difficult months in Gaza (how many times have I said that now in this poor post?!) I'm still Imaan. I have made some personal discoveries, perhaps since my 30th birthday happened during my stay. What a wonderful age, at least for me! It's all about taking control. This is my year of TAKING CONTROL. Love that. I am the one who set my goals and dreams.

The positive aspects of the humans self developes while the individual is exposed to, works through and gets through different experiences of anguish. ROLLO MAY

Oh, I'm gonna be gooood.